Hmm... so I have been told to update. I had a freakin' crazy ass weekend. Friday night I came clean with a few people, I guess is the best way to put it. It was an awkward, hard thing to do, but I feel better about it now that it's off of my shoulders. Friday night I hung out with Travis, Jenna, Nathan, Ryann, and J for a little while. Saturday I went out with my aunt and we went shopping at all the cool little stores in the westheimer, richmond, montrosse area. Hung out with my family for a little while. Later that night Ryann and Jenna came over to hang out then we ended up going over to Travis' place. Oh my friend Ashley came in town and hung with us too. She is freakin' awesome... that's all I'm going to say there... . Umm... Sunday I went to church then pretty much just slept all day. That's about it as far as my weekend goes. Starting to realize who your true friends are is a really rough situation to be in, but I'm glad that it's happening and I can see who loves me for who I am and not who they want me to be. That's all I have for now.

"Cant you see that its just raining
Aint no need to go outside...
But Baby, You hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song is meant to keep ya
From doing what your supposed to
Like waking up too early
Maybe we can sleep in
Ill make you banana pancakes
Pretend like its the weekend now

And we could pretend it all the time
Cant you see that its just raining
Aint no need to go outside

But just maybe, laka ukulele
Mommy made a baby
Really don't mind the practice
Cause your my little lady
Lady lady love me
Cause I love to lay here lazy
We could close the curtains
Pretend like there's no world outside

And we could pretend it all the time
Cant you see that its just raining
Aint no need to go outside
Aint no need aint no need Mmmm MMmmm
Cant you see cant you see
Rain all day
And I don't mind.

The telephone is singing
Ringing its too early
Don't pick it up
We don't need to we got everything
We need right here
And everything we need is enough
Just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms
Don't really need to pay attention to the alarm
Wake up slow, yeah wake up slow
You hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song is meant to keep ya
From doing what your supposed to
Like waking up too early
Maybe we can sleep in
Ill make you banana pancakes
Pretend like its the weekend now."

Currently Watching 28 Days Later (Widescreen Edition) By Alex Palmer, Bindu De Stoppani, Jukka Hiltunen, David Schneider (IV), Cillian Murphy, Toby Sedgwick, Naomie Harris, Noah Huntley, Christopher Dunne, Emma Hitching, Alexander Delamere, Kim McGarrity, Brendan Gleeson, Megan Burns, Justin Hackney, Luke Mably, Stuart McQuarrie, Ricci Harnett, Leo Bill, Junior Laniyan see related

Ah well I might as well do an update. I had probably one of the best weekends I have had in a LONG time. Friday night I went out with Chelsea's friends. We went to Chick-fil-a, Starbucks, The Aeros hockey game, Fast Eddie's, and back to Megan's house. It was a long night, but tons and tons of friends. I met so many new people and I don't think I met one person that I didn't like. Chelsea's friends (one in particular) are freakin' hilarious. I was cracking up the entire time. Saturday I kinda just ook it easy and rested until it was time for our party.  I then drove out to Manvel and celebrated Halloween (early) with some friends. We all had a really good time there too. Drank probably a little too much, but it was all good. Yesterday was my recovery day. I didn't do anything at all except lunch out with the fam and dinner at my mom's house. A few other things happened throughout the weekend that made it that much better, but I'll save that for another time...

"Tell me you've had trouble sleeping
That you toss and turn from side to side
That it's my face you've been seeing
In your dreams at night

Tell me that you wake up crying
And you're not sure exactly why
Tell me that something is missing
In your life, in your life baby

Tell me that you live for love
That forever is never enough
That you've waited all your life to see
That you want so badly to believe
Tell me that it's not just me

I could have sworn I saw you smile at me
Standing in the poring rain
At a loss for words and running out of time
I said this crazy thing (crazy thing), I said

Hold me now and tell me that you do believe
In a soul, a soul mate."

Currently Reading The Movies of My Life: A Novel By Alberto Fuguet see related

   Well after being sick all day friday and throwing up many, many times I ended up going over to Travis' apartment to hang out with some friends. Aside from some half-way decent conversation, it ended up being pretty lame. Saturday I went to many Chase's football games, Preston's baseball game, and then another baseball game for Chase. It was the day of sporting events. Saturday night I went with my family to Joe's Crab Shack for Rob's birthday. It was disgusting as usual. Ended up just going home afterwards and talking to an old friend for a few hours before finally hitting the sack. Yesterday, Sunday, I just went to church then went to visit the Menil Collection (art gallery) with some friends for my class. It was actaully a lot cooler than I thought it was going to be. Fun times there, they crack me up. I have a test in that class wednesday... blah.

   So on to other things... it's been a while since I've written anything here besides weekend updates, which I'm sure those of you still reading couldn't give two craps about. What's really going on in my life currently? A whole bunch of confusion about anything and everything. It's like, right when I think I have life figured out and know what I want, the rug is pulled out from under me and I'm left flat on my ass wondering what happened. Yes, I have currently made some rather large decisions about my life and how I want to live it, and no I don't regret it. However, I do wish I had more answers. Most of you know what I'm talking about and those that don't, well there's a reason for it so you can go ahead and stop reading this now. It doesn't concern you. I was raised in church and brought up to be the best little Christian I possibly could be. How did I get so far from that? I'm not saying that I want to be back to my old "bible-beater" state, but things didn't seem quite as hopeless then. My lifestyle clearly goes against everything I was taught growing up, but it's not something I can just go and change, nor do I really want to. I went to church yesterday and for the first time in a LONG time I actually took in everything I heard. I listened from start to finish to the sermon and it really did affect me. Convict me... maybe. About some things more than others. My dilemma in all this is this: I know what's right and what's wrong. I would like to have my life back to a state of closeness with God. However, there's things in my life that I'm not willing to change in order to do that. Would he understand? I'm not sacrificing anything for him, so I don't see how he could. I know what friends of mine would say what on this subject and I'm going to get two completely different objections. I wish life was back to the jr. high days when my biggest qualm in life was who held who's hand at the skating rink. Yea that would be nice...

   My next issue, and I'm going to keep this one short, I don't understand people at all. Mainly one in particular. How can you say the things you say to me, suggest the things you suggest to me, make me feel the way I do, and deny it to everyone else? I can't comprehend how one is able to do this, and to tell you the truth, I've about had all I can take. It's just too hard. My feelings and emotions have been put through the ringer and it's completely draining me. I love you more than I have ever loved another in my life and all I get is grief over it. You know that I would do ANYTHING for you, I've told you enough times. Maybe this has something to do with everything. Maybe part of the "anything" you expect from me is to deny my feelings. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. The sad part in all this is you would rather lose me completely in all aspects of your life, then admit your true feelings to yourself. I can't even begin to express how much this kills me and just how far I would go to change that. I think you already know this though.

"Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of "best friends"*
We're the kids who feel like dead ends
And I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses
I took a shot and didn't even come close
At trust and love and hope
And the poets are just kids who didn't make it
And never had it at all

And the record won't stop skipping
And the lies just won't stop slipping
And besides my reputation's on the line
We can fake it for the airwaves
Force our smiles, baby, half dead
From comparing myself to everyone else around me

Please put the doctor on the phone 'cause I'm not making any sense
Blame everyone but me for this mess
And my back has been breaking from this heavy heart
We never seemed so far
I'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeless enough
But we never had it at all."

I had a so-so weekend. Friday night I participated in a little Stateside with Jenna and Travis. It was ok I guess. Nothing too great. Saturday my friend Sarah surprised me by coming into town so we went to the mall and then went out to eat at BJ's with Ryann and her mom. Had some good laughs there, I love them to death. Afterwards Sarah, Ryann, and I all went and saw Employee of the Month. It had some funny parts, but overall the movie was pretty lame. Sunday I went out to lunch with my family and just chilled all day. I watched The Running Man and Superstar and slept the rest of the time. I guess that's about it. I'm ready for some changes in my life, but am I really ready for the sacrifices that will lead to those changes? I don't know.

"I packed a few of my belongings
Left the life that I was living
Just some memories of it
Mostly the ones I can't forget

Whenever you need me I'll be here
Until then my dear
I'm going, I'm going, I'm going there
Don't ask me to make time
To travel back and forth
Let nature take it's course
Maybe I'm open from all this ocean air
And if it weren't for you I'd be without a care
Setting sail to St. Elsewhere

Anywhere you sit you can see the sun
Unfortunately on this island I'm the only one
Same rules apply on a rainy day
And it's not such a pretty place to be
It just rains, and rains, and rains on me
Send a simple side, I can understand
Then a flower grew out that sand
Before you knew it, I was back out on that sea
Now I don't mind it so much
Because as long as I'm not there
Anywhere is St. Elsewhere

Way over yonder there is new frontier
Would it be so hard for you to come and visit me here?
I understand
Would you just send me a message in a bottle then baby?
St. Elsewhere."

Ugh I'm in so much pain it's not even funny. My back has been hurting for over a month now, but in the last couple of days it has gotten so bad that I can hardly walk. I have no clue what the deal is and I don't have medical insurance, so I doubt that I will be finding out unless I'm near death. Highly unlikely. Haha Cassie told me last night that I have a tumor on my spine. Way to reassure me that it's nothing serious lol. I had an ok weekend. I was in Canton thursday- saturday. It was a fun trip but hell on my back. Saturday night I went and played pool with Travis up at Fast Eddies. Sunday I went to church... both services again! I'm quite proud of myself. After the evening service I went out to eat with Joel and Cassie and a couple of my friends. I told the story about how a dog peed in my mouth once (def not intentional on my part... long story) and I seriously thought Cassie was going to have a heartattack. The funny thing is that the dog used to hers before she gave it away. Anyway... I need to go fix the girls some breakfast.

"I can see you're fallin for her
Friend you know she once was mine
So I guess I oughta warn you
Cause you're showin all the signs

She's a devil
She's an angel
She's a woman
She's a child
She's a heartache when she leaves you
But she'll leave you with a smile

When she held me it was Heaven
It was worth losing pain
And when she's gone
She'll leave you wishin
She'd just roll your way again."